Declining Responsibility!

Oi ‘ad a pair of Gum-Boots, for twenty seven weeks,
But now O’ive had to pack ‘em in, because the buggers leak.
Oi never ripped nor tore ‘em, nor injured them a bit:
The only thing Oi used ‘em for was puddling in the shit.
Oi oughta ‘ad more savvy - There’s chemicals in dung
As rots the rubber off ‘em, Loike smoking rots your lung.
Oi never shoulda soiled ‘em, nor even get ‘em wet:
Oi shoulda worn ‘em ev’nings round the television set,
So now Oi treads the dung-heap, loike Adam, Oi suppose,
Moi new boots in the office-safe the shit between my toes,
The missus has divorsed Oi, The kids have gone away,
But any road Oi’ve saved moi boots, from Chemical decay!

Me Feet!

O’ I wish I’d looked after me feet
When they were 16 and still sweet
‘Cos when I was born
I hadn’t a corn
And me toenails were pink and so neat

O’ I wish I hadn’t been vain
And wore what I walked in - with pain
While I was in fashion
Me teeth I was gnashin’
And the red from me cheeks it would drain

As now in my slippers I bide
And try all me defects to hide
I know that me feet
Would have Frankenstein beat
He couldn’t do worse if he tried

So take warning you kids who know all
As down from your platforms you fall
If I’d known me onions
I wouldn’t have bunions
T’aint worth it - just to walk tall.

Grandma's Shoes

When I was very little
All the Grandma’s that I knew
All walked around this world
In ugly Grandma shoes
You know the ones I speak of,

Those black clunky-heeled kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind.
For I knew, when I grew old
I’d have to wear those shoes,

I’d think of that from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.
I never was a rebel,
I wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
then the sandals pretty cool.

And then came spikes with pointed toes,
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came alone
I wore them, one and all.

But always, in the distance
Looming in my future there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandma’s wear.

I eventually got married
And then I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left
And when their children came along

I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace-up shoes
Was what I’d have to wear

How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn’t even think about
How I would ride my bike!

But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realized
That the shape of things to come
Was changing right before my eyes.

And now when I go shopping
What I see fills me with glee,
For in my jeans and Reeboks
I’m as comfy as can be.

And I look at all these teenage girls
And there upon their feet
Are clunky, black old Grandma shoes,
And they think they’re really neat.

An Ode to Feet

My trusty friends I must confess

Through all the years you've served me best

Without your aid I'd not have known

The joy of walking on my own

When your first faltering steps you took

And I, my Mothers hand forsook

From that time forth I'd trusted you

And rough or smooth you've carried me through

Through schooldays bounding merrily

You skipped and danced right merrily

On moonlit jaunts down Lovers Lane

I never knew you to complain

Advancing years have increased weight

But still you keep a steady gait

And though in Flats you'd rather be

I make you walk on stilts for me

Now corns and callouses are your lot

Still up the stairs and down you trot

Till all the work once more is done

Then rest a while and off you run

You've served me well throughout the years

But age has crept up unawares

So take fresh heart my faithful friends

I am about to make amends

For you alone I'll make a tryst

With one they call a Chiropodist

They say he'll uproot all your corns

And rid you of the pain they cause

Callouses and bunions too

He'll take them all away from you

And so, renewed in strength and vigour

We'll go on many years together

If you keep a regular tryst

With your new found friend the Chiropodist